TWEEZER DICK STRIKES AGAIN

by Mather Schneider

Winona has a poetry blog.
It’s called The Molten Word.
It is a place where literary PHDs and MFAs gather
and pass judgment on the
world.
They call themselves “Molters”.
One day on her blog Winona posted this:
MATHER SCHNEIDER OF THE
ABYSMAL IGNORANCE GO AWAY.
Next day she deleted that and wrote this:
DEAR TWEEZER DICK YOU WILL
NOT BE ALLOWED TO POST HERE.
She was mad because I had written her privately
and called one of her many
poet-friends pretentious.
Then she wrote:
SEND ME A POEM AND WE WILL SEE
HOW SMART YOU ARE
PUT YOUR CAB TIPS WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS.
I sent her a poem
and all her PHD and MFA friends wrote long paragraphs
with high sounding language
and at the end the only real advice they had was
to change the word “last” to “the last”
in line 6,
because “last” was such an obvious use
of “archaic language”.
Then here came an email from Winona:
“Well Mather this was a
good start for someone with no training.
I think I made my point that my
friends are fair.
Remember,
it’s never too late to go back to school.
You should think about that because
it seems like a real
sore spot for you.”
Fuck you, Winona, I wrote her
and she posted THAT on her blog
all up in arms
screaming at my impudence:
TWEEZER DICK STRIKES AGAIN!
Because really the only proper response
was to thank her and bless her
wisdom and kindness.
The next day she deleted all the posts about me
and was talking about a poet named Howler Mcughs
who got her MFA last semester and is
absolutely
astonishing.

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10 Responses to TWEEZER DICK STRIKES AGAIN

  1. This is great! I’d love to see THAT poem you put in front of their faces

  2. Thanks. I’ll send that poem to Ross and maybe he’ll post it.

  3. oh, Mather..

    your work is so real. I first saw you on Opium Poetry 2.0 and instantly fell in love with your honest perspective. Good writing doesn’t have to come from behind an institutionalized knowledge tank. We can learn plenty about life right here in the midst of it all.
    I am gradually learning that great writers know how to experience life, in the sense that everything they process is oganized into a beautiful thought, one that has true voice and meaning. I would think a great writer could transform a meaningless idea into something more substantial – twisting the perspective to see a different light. blah, blah… just wanted to say “You’re awesome!” Life is all about chance, 50/50, people will love you or hate you. I’m glad Ross decided to post such a personally creative piece of writing.

    Best to you,
    Mathew

    p.s: I can’t access contact to you any other way (I already tried eMail on website, my computer won’t perform the action) and feel awkward posting this all right here..
    I think that great you’re publishing a book of past publications. I wish I could fill a book like that. I’m excited to grab a copy when your new book comes out in February.

  4. Angela Maria says:

    Absolutely enchanted am I with the remarkably educated and trained brains who gather regularly to circle-jerk each others egos and to dismiss obviously terrifying hard work of the “lay” man. Fuck you all. Mommy and Daddy can’t buy you experience or eloquence, and your attempts at a starving artist raw emotional perspective are impossibly hilarious when all you have to do is leave the tent in your back yard when your stomach screams. Thank you Schneider for scraping the surface on this issue…hope to read more real shit real(ly) soon.

  5. Matthew, that was such a nice thing to say at first I thought you were being sarcastic. Thank you very much, I don’t get compliments like that very often. The book has already been published. It’s called Drought Resistant Strain and it is available through myfavoritebullet.com. I’m gonna go check out your website.

  6. mather, you’ve found the truth that others have suspected for years,now. the thing started at iowa writer’s workshop and then spread through the universities that wanted the tuition money and so offered mfa’s in creative writing and poetry. a student can go there, listen to the same stale lectures, readings, meetings and perhaps a chapbook gets printed but what is that really about in life? then they get the mfa and can do what? well, they can go to some small, liberal arts college and start the process again and that will begat even more generations of poets and writers who haven’t a clue of life outside the walls of academe. their work will resonate to no one outside of academe because it’s totally lacking in substance and vision and so they will go to work teaching at another small, liberal arts college and soon the numbers will grow too large, the work will be too homogenized and sterile.
    however, outside the walls, there are people like yourself; people who know real work, real life issues and can sit back and relate what they’ve experienced in ways that will get the attention of those of us who understand the difference between pure and sterile in regards to this life of ours. so, i hope that you keep on keeping on and i hope that you NEVER stoop so low as to seek out the confines of a master’s degree.

  7. carter7878 says:

    I wonder where the label Tweezer Dick came from? I demand that my creation of this term be acknowledged!! These comments do little but reflect a stereotypical class confllct, between the “raw” and the “cooked,” between town and gown. Neither side has cornered the market on the truth. Mather is a talented poet who writes about his own life. The MFA grads often are just word-wankers (see Amy KIng), but I’ve read some awfully skillful work by them. So, the point is for an editor to take each work on its own terms. A larger issue is the shameful disservice the Creative Writing Industry has done to the nation’s writers, cranking out thousands of MFA grads with no job prospects and flooding the market with mediocre collections.

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